Sexy no Jutsu: The Bet
by Lexxis
Summary: Crack. Humor. Romance. Abuse of Sexy no Jutsu. A bet with dire consequences. EPB consequence of SnJ, brought about by the same friends. Chap. Off-Topic 1: People visiting Hokage are strange.
1. 0 Prologue

_Title: Sexy no Jutsu: The Bet_

_Charter: 0 - Prologue_

_Autor: Me_

_Disclaimer: I don't own characters, manga, or anything that has something to do with Naruto. On the other hand, I own the story_

_Rating: T_

_Summary: Crack. Humor. Romance. Abuse of Sexy no Jutsu. A bet with dire consequences. EBP consequence of SnJ, brought about by the same friends._

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**Sexy no Jutsu: The Bet**

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**0 - Prologue**

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Sasuke, in-between getting miserably drunk on a daily basis, was obviously channeling some perverted version of Gai-sensei (Sakura couldn't decide whether it was Kakashi's or Orochimaru's fault) and raving about the perfect womb for Uchiha blood he found. After a psych evaluation by Tsunade it appeared that he came across his ideal '_female specimen for breeding_' and fully intended to pursue his goal. Hokage was seen snickering later, especially at any mention of breasted blondes, which, in itself, was quite ironic.

Naruto barricaded himself in his apartment and refused to leave it, screeching something about 'curse of the women' whenever anyone tried to get him to go outside, or to let them inside. He even boarded his windows.

Lee was going through identity crisis and informed anyone that cared, not mentioning those that didn't give a rat's ass, that he wasn't gay and he did not find any man sexually attractive but had no objection whatsoever against alternate lifestyles because all love was a precious expression of youthful happiness and energy.

Neji, after his disappearance that lasted two days, turned up half catatonic, muttering sporadically '_breasts, damned breasts_'.

Ino took to looking dreamily at Chouji. It was unsettling.

All things considered, Sakura, as the exemplary kunoichi, could not be seen getting drunk in a seedy bar. On the other hand, Sa-kun could. She decided not to dwell why this one woman sitting at the table in the corner looked disturbingly just like Genma.

Sakura was well into her second beer when she felt a hand, slowly moving upwards, on her thigh. Sai, smiling charmingly (or so he apparently thought), did something highly illegal with his popsicle.

"Fancy a shag, dear?"

Sakura groaned. Oh, peachy, the week was getting better and better. She was sure that somewhere someone was finding it all highly amusing and when she would find eventually that white-haired lazy ass of a shinobi, she would smash his face in. Repeatedly. With a broken bottle.


	2. 1 The Beginning

Title: Sexy no Jutsu: The Bet

Chapter: 1 - The Beginning

Autor: Me

Disclaimer: I don't own characters, manga, or anything that has something to do with Naruto. On the other hand, I own the story

Rating: T

Summary: Crack. Humor. Romance. Abuse of Sexy no Jutsu. A bet with dire consequences. EBP consequence of SnJ, brought about by the same friends.

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**1 - The Beginning**

It all started on a lazy afternoon, just next to the Ichiraku stand. Naruto was actively molesting his ramen and the two ninjas sitting with him were actively molesting each other. Small girl named Hanako next to the blonde was chewing on her chopstick.

"Oh, Sai-chan, you're so un-fucking-believably pretty," Kei cooed sweetly.

"You simply glow, Kei-chan, my love," Sai gushed.

Naruto, at first, thought it was pretty disgusting but after some time spent in the vicinity of those two he became immune to their teeth-decaying sweet talk. Somehow, he didn't mind the company of Konoha's two queerest ninjas (really, by simple comparison, they made Genma, full makeup, wig and that sleek red dress of his, radiate manliness and machismo), even if their doe eyes were making him queasy and making Naruto queasy was a feat attained before only by Sasuke's entourage of almost equally doe-eyed females.

"I adore you, Sai-chan." Two ninjas hugged and slightly groped.

"Oh, Kei-chan, light of my eyes, is the mission dangerous?"

"Oh, Sai-chan, you have no idea!"

"Would you two shut it? I'm trying to eat. Seriously, you're getting worse with every day," the blonde whined while Hanako bit through her chopstick.

"I want my Kei-chan to dump the perverted bastard and go out with Sai for real," suddenly she announced. She voiced this notion whenever she felt like it.

"But I'm going tonight and I might not to come back!" Kei ignored his daughter. He found it to be the most effective and rewarding form of upbringing. There was no way aynone could blame him after meeting Hanako. "And they might defile my corpse!" Sai clasped his hands over his chest.

"No. It's horrible! Not before I have my way with it, Kei-chan!"

"But, Sai-chan, you can always have your way with my dead body!"

Naruto decided long ago that all Anbu he knew took one hit too much to the head and refused to delve deeper into the matter. After all, it could be contagious. It made him reconsider joining anytime soon. He valued his fragile sanity. One hit too much and he would probably start having external conversations with Kyuubi. Not that he had internal conversations with the damned demon to start with. At least not too often.

The blonde tuned out the rest of their discussion, focused on his food. That is, until he heard a distinct '_meep!_' and Kei scrambled to hide under the table. Sai blushed and batted his eyes prettily, stifling back completely fake moan.

Suddenly Naruto knew whose fault it was Sai started to act like perverted loon instead of just being a loon with a fixation on other peoples' penises. Few years back Sakura gave him taped box with her '_stash of emotional reference material_', as she chose to phrase it. It had to be her smut collection.

**oOoOo**

It was not unusual for them to stroll together after one of their missions, in silence and not truly wanting to talk. They walked Sakura to Haruno household.

"Oh! Sai, could you wait for a second? I have something for you," pink-haired ninja had a devious glint in her eyes. She disappeared inside her house for a minute and then came back holding a rather big carton box, taped carefully, to her chest. "Um…"

Sai smiled, like an angel, and Naruto gaped. Not everyday Sakura looked positively nervous.

"For you," she thrust the box at Sai "This is my… uh… stash of emotional reference material," she seemed like she had rehearsed this sentence before. "Might prove helpful. Really. I swear."

Next day Sai (giggling to boot!) brought him a bush of roses, roots with clumps of earth still attached.

**oOoOo**

While Anbu were plain crazy in general, mednins tended to turn to voyeuristic pervertism and MA rated violence.

"Yo, Eri," Naruto greeted the newcomer, not breaking eye contact with his ramen. Eri ignored him, like he always did, reached under the table and pulled Kei from under it.

"You are late for your briefing," Anbu captain growled and, still dragging Kei by his arm, left in the direction of the Hokage Tower. Hanako's chopstick broke in her fist, killing intent rolling off her in intense waves.

"I. Will. Kill. Him."

All was perfectly normal, Naruto thought to himself.

"There you are, Naruto, my beloved brother," this time it was Konohomaru that sauntered to the Ichiraku stand, hands on hips and shit-eating grin on his lips. "I have a wager of sorts for you, brother!"

Naruto raised his eyebrows. All was perfectly normal and Konohomaru obviously was spending too much of his time with Lee. The blonde glanced at the sky and waited for pigs to fly by.

**oOoOo**

**Bonus: 'Screwed' Is A Mission Statement**

Three Anbu were lounging outside the gates of Konoha, waiting for their leader. Wolf Mask was brooding, slightly, and knitting a napkin. Knitting made him calm. Knitting… was his life. No-one questioned Wolf Mask about his hobby after one unfortunate (enemy) soul tried to ridicule him for it and ended mutilated beyond recognition. It wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the fact the mutilation was performed solely with the knitting needles. Wolf Mask was heard later muttering that he '_should've made a sash out of his intestines_'.

Dog Mask was reading. It was troubling not because he was reading porn but because he was reading philosophy. With a good treatise one could kill, was his reasoning. After all, a good treatise was hardcover and big, and when applied to one's head with enough power, it COULD kill. Blunt force trauma. Not sophisticated but philosophical nonetheless.

Cat Mask was painting his toenails while cooing praises for his feet. Cat Mask, set against his team, was the sanest one of them all.

"So… have you heard that Wasp is on the leave?" Dog Mask inquired.

"Good. That bitch. Who are we getting?" Wolf ended one ball of wool and started on his second today.

"Maybe Vixen. I'd like to…"

Cat Mask uttered a distinct '_meep!_' and tried to hide behind his backpack. He was almost successful.

"We are screwed," Wolf Mask stopped knitting.

"Dude," Dog Mask slowly turned around to look at the newly appeared Demon Mask. "We are screwed sideways till we say 'please, more', and then we're screwed more."

"You are screwed," Demon Mask agreed.

Cat Mask softly whimpered.


	3. OT 1: Inquiries

_Title: Sexy no Jutsu: The Bet_

_Chapter: Off-Topic 1: Inquires_

_Autor: Me_

_Disclaimer: I don't own characters, manga, or anything that has something to do with Naruto. On the other hand, I own the story_

_Rating: T_

_Summary: Crack. Humor. Romance. Abuse of Sexy no Jutsu. A bet with dire consequences. EBP consequence of SnJ, brought about by the same friends._

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**Off-Topic: Inquires  
**

**1.**

Tsunade coughed slightly and took a sip of sake. She had a feeling she would need much more of it before the day ended.

"So, you want to lodge a discrimination complaint concerning Young Ladies of Konoha Club?" Hokage asked.

"Of course I do," the famous Knitting Ninja of Konoha, gripping his knitting needles in one hand, almost screeched. "It's… It's unprecedented!"

"Why?"

"They didn't let me join!" He was fuming.

"It's Young Ladies of Konoha Club, not Young Ninjas of Konoha Club," she slowly said trying to find a way to explain intricacies of sexually divided social groups.

"So what?"

Tsunade sighed. It was going to be a long day.

"Why don't you try to join Ladies of Konoha Club instead?"

"Why would I?" Wolf Mask was truly surprised.

"They… like knitting," Hokage looked at the unconvinced ninja. "And they have… bingo. And you can win a toaster sometimes."

Jackpot.

"I'll consider."

**2**.

"But…" Quivering lip.

"No," Tsunade was forceful.

"But…" Puppy eyes.

"No way."

"But…" Sniffling.

"No. 'On the job' equals 'no drag'."

Genma sobbed. Tsunade remained indifferent.

**3.**

"I need a restraining order! Now!"

"Whu- What?"

"Restraining order! I'll even beg!"

Tsunade raised her eyebrows.

"I'll be on time for next two months! On time!"

Tsunade gaped.

"I won't read books to genins! I swear!"

Tsunade opened her mouth to speak. Too late.

"KAKASHI! MY ETERNAL RIVAL! OUR YOUTHUL ENERGY NEEDS AN OUTLET OF RIVALRY AND SEXUAL TENSION!"

Kakshi hid under her desk. Tsunade decided not to go there in her mind for the sake of her sanity.

**4.**

Tsunade glared at four children standing before her. The children glared back. Well, except the youngest one. He was cuddling a rotten fish. Don't go there, Tsunade told herself. But then, she couldn't help her curiosity.

"Itto. What are you doing with… that fish?"

The boy looked at her serenely.

"I'm going to marry it and have a lot of kiddies just like mommy Rei and daddy Taro!"

"…oh." Tsunade almost choked. "You. Go. I'm going to cry."

Just behind the doors they all smirked at one another. Itto almost never failed his 'emergency escape' mission.

**5.**

"And, again, why are you here?"

"I think I'm kind of lost."

Tsunade 'hmmed'.

"You do?"

"Yes. And there's something that worries me."

"Yes?" Hokage fumed internally. Couldn't he just get to the point?

"I think I'm impotent," Sai said, completely serious.

Tsunade stared. Her eye twitched.

"Impotent means you can't get it up."

"Oh," Sai wondered. "I meant omnipotent."

Inner Tsunade wailed in anguish.


End file.
